FIRST OF FOUR KNIVES

FIRST OF FOUR KNIVES 

Being defined by someone who did not have a clue of what I carried within me pushed me far away the more. Words are seeds that germinate. The description of me as a prostitute was a seed that germinated so quickly. After my secondary education I got pregnant. Being a pastor's daughter I did not want any shame for my family so I tried aborting it by taking pills but failed. Eventually the general overseer of the church found out and requested I go run a scan to find out if there had been any damages. Finding out that there was none, he called my mother and narrated everything to her. Your daughter getting pregnant is heartbreaking on its own, finding out from an outsider is totally something else, then that outsider happens to be the general overseer of your church. I could feel my mother's heart stop beating for some seconds. I have seen my mother's disappointment face before but that particular one has never been beaten. My mother sent me to my sister's place to ease her of the shame. I have never been so sad, my mother was ashamed of me. But now I can understand, there is a saying that it's not the mad man that would be ashamed but his family members. Being under lock and keep, I still found a way to visit the hospital to carry out a proper abortion. The thing here is that I was remorseful but never repentant. I was sad and sorry for being found pregnant but I never saw it as bad. I was just sorry for the shame I brought to my mother. I was sad that for some period she did not want to contact me. I was angry with the world for not being sorry for me, I was angry with myself for not being smart enough to have aborted the pregnancy before being found out. And I bottled these whole foolishness in form of anger deep within me. When I was sure I had successfully terminated the pregnancy, I told my mother I lost it due to the drugs I took earlier on. I went for another scan on her command to make sure everything was fine inside of me. She eventually allowed me back home and started preaching on fornication beginning from 1 Corinthians 5 to 2 Corinthians 12. Day in day out I kept hearing about the condemnation of fornicators and murderers. I became so used to it that I told myself that there was no use changing since I was already condemned. Having a remorseful heart and not a repentant one another interesting chapter began in my life. 

Comments

Lake said…
Our past sometimes hurt but we should take responsibility too. The paragraph is as intriguing as it is pitiful.
Seyi Kolawole said…
Remorseful but unrepentant...that really hit me.

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